Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
You Might Also Like
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Breaking news:
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen