[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.