[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short