It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.