“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
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I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection