People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
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I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I can’t deal with men any longer
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day