kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I have two kinds of followers
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.