I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
You Might Also Like
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*struts into the new year
~ trips