Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?