[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
They’re on their honeymoon
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Social distancing in Australia:
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.