CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from