Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*