Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔