[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I think about this a lot
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.