Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.