She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
When your man makes a valid point
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.