I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*