Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
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I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
no their not
Not today. 😅
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.