Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
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At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
…u ok Nintendo?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”