Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
love it when they get my name right
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
channeling her this year
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.