Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
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Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.