*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
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[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti