[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Geez man, take it easy.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*