If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!