Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
You Might Also Like
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.