[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…