Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.