2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.