Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
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Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad