[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”