After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
You know…for fall…
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Breaking news:
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.