150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
incredible text to wake up to
tell em, edith-anne
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.