I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
finally found a reasonable question
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election