(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
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Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.