There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I have no passwords left in me
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.