If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.