[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not