If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
*serious situation*
My brain:
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.