[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
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her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
mmm onion ringos
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe