a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Is this you?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Happy Thanksgiving
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!