if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
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j o i m p
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Hilarious if literal: arms race
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
That was easy.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup