Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
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San Francisco has too many rules
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry