I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
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ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭