JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Real House Wines.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar