Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
bout dat hot dog summer
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
i baked you a cake
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.