What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
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Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I feel attacked.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about