My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
You Might Also Like
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*