Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…