My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…