Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
🤣dope
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.